Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Its big, black and furry and I be afraid of it!

I am 32 years of age. Julie my lovely other half is 30, and any married man knows what that means… kids. According to Google, women have something called a bio-logical clock?? but I don’t have any such thing, I ve checked.

The inter-web says; thirty is the age where women think they need to have a child. Currently we don’t have any kids, all the children I ever see are already taken so I gave up looking a long time ago. But Julie didn’t.

If you have read any other of my Blog posts, you will realise that I am a bit of a mans man. I like playing with guns (see last post) I like fast cars and any sport with blood in it, like boxing. I do not however, like little, pink, wrinkly things that cry and poop in their trousers all the time.

The thought of kids makes me come over all queasy and I get a sickly feeling and spots in front of my eyes, so you can understand my concern when Julie approached me one quiate evening and said she wanted a baby.

I spilled my coffee and burned my winkle, I was so shocked in fact, that I may have let out a little pee as well, good job my trousers were already wet then!

When Julie stopped laughing, she told me that she didn’t mean a real human baby, she had just made a funny and really meant a puppy instead.

A puppy? Aren’t they hairy, smell a lot and have teeth? As it turns out, my assumptions were correct! They do have hair and, if you pick the right one, they have massive teeth, with sharp bits on them. As you can imagine, thoughts of walking down the street with a Doberman or a German Shepard named fang, straining on the leash ready to eat other dogs and small children was beginning to sound like a good idea to me.

So, I done the gentlemanly thing and gave her the go ahead….

Women are not nice. They know exactly what to say and when to say it in order to make us men do whatever they want. So it was only after I said yes that she told me she wanted a ‘whippet’ and was going to call her blue belle. I now know what it feels like to be mugged.

Blue-bell? Doesn’t she know what will happen to me if I run down the street calling blue bell? Even the children fang was supposed to eat would fall around laughing till their eyes popped out. I thought my life hit an all time low at the cow tent but apparently Julie thinks not! And that I deserve more punishment for being male.

But as I said, a mans sole aim in life is to please the woman hes married too and so last Saturday Julie gave birth to a fawn coloured whippet pup which she duly named ‘blue bell’

As I write this I can hardly keep my eyes open, im bare foot and I have a headache; ‘blue’ howls like a wolf all night. She also chews things; like my speakers, my shoes, trainers, and worst of all my prized possession; my acoustic guitar. Doggies like wood you see. They are also quite fond of pooping and I have become a professional at the pooper scooper thing, I can even operate it with my eyes closed and one hand over my nose.

But you know what? I actually have fallen in love with her and what’s a bigger surprise, is that Julie, for the first time ever in our thirteen year marriage, has no objections to me looking lovingly into another woman’s eyes. She’s great and for all her issues, we haven’t laughed so much in ages. Her taking a leak on Dave, our Finance guy, had everyone in stitches for a whole two days. Belle also left her needle sharp teeth marks on our Operations Managers’ nipple which was also very humorous… Quality.

I guess sometimes you can work so hard and so long you just forget to enjoy yourself so thank you Julie and thank you ‘blue-belle!’

Carl Phillips

Clear View Plus Ltd